Vertigo.

"Believing in yourself almost as much as you doubt."-Bono

It's been a long two weeks for me since I started working for the summer but I've lived through rougher times. It's been kinda strange too. I've just felt so numb latley.

I couldn't care any less about lots of things and I just don't feel any real substance in myself as of late. I think, it's been a lack of excitment or just my mind's way of slowing me down but I think this upcoming weekend in New Jersey will change some of those things for me.

Yesterday, I made it to work and took the little kiddies at the daycare on a trip to the Botanical Garden, which was somewhat fun and somewhat damaged at the same time. I did manage to surprise that new girl that I was telling you guys about, a few blogs back, with a poem, I'd just written to spark up a conversation and that went pretty well as far as I know.

On another note, I've been dealing with lots of internal conflicts this time around, which has slowed me down in my daily life a whole lot, mind-wise and otherwise.

It's nothing as serious as the things you guys have seen me deal with in the past (which were mostly external problems) but I've just been having lots and lots of doubts about life, love, politics and tons of other things.

For example: I've always thought of myself as a more advanced (not superior in any way) person than a whole lot of people whom I know or have crossed paths with but latley I haven't been so sure if I'm as great or "advanced" of a person as I thought I was.

Also, something that's been scaring me (Good or Bad -- depending on your point of view) is that I haven't been as worried to walk up to and talk to that new girl, Shontae latley. It's just not the usual way for me to do things and I really don't feel comfortable doing things like that but I just haven't felt in control all the way or all the time latley. It feels like I've been running drastically on adrenaline or instincts and I just don't feel afraid of approaching her or something but at the same time....I kinda feel free. Free to do what I want, that is.

It's just been a crazy couple of weks for me and I'm trying to adapt to all these new routines at the same time, I guess.

Speaking of Shontae, I really don't know what I want to do with the situation of liking her and asking her out.

Part of me would love to date her and another part of me (which hasn't changed at all) has so many doubts and fears that it almost cripples me. This, my friends, has been one of the bigger internal conflicts of the past two weeks, especially.

I mean, all you have to do is compare this new situation with Shontae to those of Mia and Marlene. that on and off thing with Mia failed so badly that I've just lost my ability to trust basically anybody. That whole thing from last January has my eyes on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I'm more cautious than I was before and I was beyond cautious of everything before.

I was saying to myself just the other day, If things like love were meant for me to have, I wouldn't be anywhere near the person that I am and have become today. Then again, although I feel that that previous guess is most likley true, it could be just like my Dad told me the last time I saw him....I probably haven't found the right one yet.

I'm just not sure about shit these days and I can't really put my finger on the root of where this shit all started. (Maybe it was the bullshit movie "Wanted". I HATED it by the way. I didn't like it at all....but that's just me. I prefer the Comics.) But seriously, I'm just going through a whole tsunami, if you will, of doubts and questions at this point.

Should I ask Shontae out? Should I leave her alone and avoid all the trouble?

Should I even be thinking about dating?

Should I bother with all the people I've associated with? Should I go even further at life as even more of a loner?

Is stuff like love meant for me? Am I greedy for even thinking about things like that?

Will I go anywhere with my life? Will I end up as the vey type of person I don't want to become?

and the big one:

Am I even meant to be on this planet? Why am I here?

I mean, I have a few theories about where this disdain could have started from and here they are: Michael Turner's recent death REALLY, REALLY, REALLY cutting deep into me could be one of the factors. The first anniversary of my cousin's death could be one of those factors. Mia's re-ammergance into my life could be one of those factors and of course meeting a new girl has brought on an onslaught of questions to my mind. Let's not forget the new job either.

Another thing is, I feel that sometimes I have to be so many things to so many different people, I'm just not sure I'm even good enough of a person to be there for everyone that needs me.

I just feel so....overwhelmed by all of the responsobilities and obligations which are thrust upon me and which I thrust upon myself.

But at the end of the day....I'm just a man with flaws. I'm not perfect like Superman. Hell, Superman isn't even perfect like Superman (Which is what I love so much about him.)

Either way, one thing hasn't changed. I'm still writing my ass off.

But seriously, I hope this weekend in Wildwood, NJ (My second home!!!!! Atleast, it feels that way) will shape up alot of the things in my head and give me the certainty that I've shown you guys before.

It feels like an emotional vertigo. The good side about it is, episodes of vertigo aren't permanent, right?

Anyway, here's a little treat for all of you comic book fanboys and fangirls out there, maybe you'll remember the picture below. Oh, who do you think would win?

See you all when I get back....I'm off to Penn Station.