What Is and What Should Never Be.

"Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt."-Chris Martin

I still think about her every single day. There was never anyone whom I felt more in touch with or cared about as much as I did for her. Mia was my heart. My everything.

She, at one point was my entire world. I once felt that every breath I took without her around was a little piece of hell filling my lungs and she was at one point my heaven.

Life never really works out the way we plan or hope for it to, and I now know that Mia wasn't meant to be apart of my future but no matter what I feel towards her these days (I'm not even sure I know what that feeling is. One day, it's forgiveness and the next, it's hatred), I can never forget what she meant to me and the times we once shared.

I remember her scent and her beauty and her laugh. And most of all, I remember the good times that I had with her. No matter what, those days are gone now and so are the hopes and dreams that I had for both of us.

She was my "future Queen," as I used to put it. Maybe I was just too naive to see her faults when I was briefly with her and maybe, somewhere in my heart, I always knew that we were never meant to be, but no matter what the situation between us turned out to be, I can't lie to myself and say that I didn't love her when in fact, She was my greatest love of my young life at one point.

It was lots of things that I loved and apprieciated about her but most of all, it was her never, ever judging me that I loved the most. I litterally felt like I was able to be myself around her the most, and only her alone.

I think we met at a strange time in our lives and ended up ending our relationship and friendship alike, in another strange time in our lives. None the less, I did love her and I trully, really would've done almost anything for her or to just make her happy, most of all. Just seeing her smile once used to lift my day like no one else ever could.

I would've given my life if it meant saving her's and to be honest, I still would, to this day die for her if I had to.

The connection that I shared with her (which I feel, nobody really understands) was greater than any that I've had with anybody in my life. I loved her. I loved her but she never loved me, I guess.

I really don't know what I could ever do or say to find the happiness again, that I had for those brief few months with Mia.

Maybe I will find someone else and maybe I won't but no matter what, I'll always be there at Bryant Park with her, gazing into her eyes. Or sitting in some crappy deli on forty second street, arguing about our favorite bands. Or spending the day on the train, riding back and forth on school days until 2 PM, just to make it back home on time so that we'd get home at the same time we would've if we actually were at school. Or sitting on the old benchs of Lehman High's infamous football field passed our lunch period. Or sitting up IM-ing each other until three in the morning. Or sitting next to each other, joking around in the science class where we met each other in the first place.

Still, that's all just a old and unrealistic fantasy of mine. The reality of it all is that, We didn't work out. We weren't meant for each other.

She's moved on, forgotten about me and found a new boyfriend. And I, like I probably always will be, am here thinking about the times I had and looking to the future with uncertainty.

Still, I'll never forget her....

....Or the things she meant to me.