Revisionism.

"October, and the trees are stripped bear of all they wear. What do I care? October, and kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall but you go on."-Bono

A year has passed since the adventerous and uncertain days of last october but things have changed for me even more drastically than a year usually allows.

Throughout the time of these past three hundred and sixty five days, I've learned a lot about myself and others and the world, as a whole. It's like my perspective of things haven't changed at all but the way I handle my life has changed dramatically. I have adapted once again.

Destiny is something I've been a bit shakey about over the past few years. "Is the future written in stone or isn't it?," I obsessivley try to figure out for myself each and every single day.

I guess, that's a question I'll never know the answer to but the journey I've been through since this day of last year, has been a hard and lonley one but it's taught me so very much too.

My life is still intact but as I felt last october, I can kinda feel it cracking with every passing day. But if anything, sometimes things have to break in order to be fixed.

I'm just trying to postpone the day that my life breaks completly.

I always loved this time of the year the most out of any other time of the year and nothing has changed, in that sense, but in other ways, my mind has found a way to adapt from the pains and heartbreaks of the year.

My creativity and spirituallity are all going great but their lasting periods are falling shorter as time passes by.

I mean, last year at this time, I was sitting on the bleachers at Lehman on the football field with Rafael and Mia going through a raher easier part of my life and now, fast forward a couple of hundred days and I'm a man instead of the teenager that I was. It's no secret that that part of my life ended up shattered but even so,

I feel as if the part of my life with high school and Mia, especially, were just the beginnings of a long and hard struggle to achieve my internal peace.

I've become a very stoic person, even more so than I was before. I can see that.

The thing is, 2008 hasn't exactly been the beacon of life and light that I hoped it would be and I have accepted that I'll never have a absolutley great year ever again in my life. That's just the way it is.

Some things don't go as planned, but that's life and when it rains, people get wet. Period.

I can't explain the person I've become but at the end of each day, I honestly and trully have become numb to everything. It's all I can do to go on with my life.

I've exiled plenty of demons from my spirit but along with those demons, a couple of my angels slipped away in the process too.

I'm just alone in a world of disdain, possibly to bring humility to the frontline. Who knows?

I've changed and in life, that's what's required to survive at the end of the day, when all is said and done.

The only thing is, at the end of the day, everyone I know has someone special to come home to or a slight glair of hope and happiness to come to, even a piece of faith (in some cases) but for me, I have to be lonley when the day is done to be there for as many people as I can be there for. It's like necessarily carrying a weight on each shoulder as I climb up-hill.

I can't control the world and I don't want to but I can try my hardest to help anybody that I can at the end of the day, to find a course in life that won't bring them to end up the way I am: Numb.

Trying to understand me is a full time job. But if you'd like to try, I can only tell you what my hero Trent Reznor said in the song, My Violent Heart: "You can try but you'll never understand."

But don't worry about me, I've always been like this. I'm just the type of person that can't walk on the sunny side of the street unless I've finished learning what I can from dancing in the dark.

Good Night, my friends. Sweet dreams aren't made of thoughts and processes like these, that's why I have to go to sleep now.