Accustomed.

"Being alone is what I'm most afraid of.... but I am alone."-Trent Reznor

I wish I could sit here and bitch and moan about being lonley and sad but the truth is, I don't feel much for love or romance like I used to. I've grown accustomed to feeling as if I'm meant to be alone as I am and always have been. I've accepted it and I'm okay with it these days.

   

I've always felt like the odd-man-out in relationships and love when compared to just about every single person I've ever known.... literally. Over these past two years, in particular, I've come to truly accept my internal feelings of being the only person who's the "third wheel" in the matters of the heart.

 

I feel as if it's a true testament to how much I've grown, to now be able to not really worry or feel as deeply about love as much as I used to. I just don't feel it's worth my time anymore.

 

I don't much like being alone; I very much do like the feeling of accepting just how alone I truly do feel though. I don't believe in the prospect of any type of love falling my way, possibly indefinatley. I truly have lost all faith in the idea.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's a brilliant and beautiful thing to be loved and to fall in love and just love in general.... but it's not for me. I can't see myself ever really being with anybody romantically anyway. This isn't to say I'll become a sleep-around playboy like my brother, but actually, quite the opposite of that: A man who'd rather be alone, if anything.

 

I'm at a point in my life right now where I'm used to being by myself and at some level actually wanting to be by myself. I don't feel as if I'm the type of person who could ever really fit into a relationship of any kind.

 

I don't feel as if I'll ever be good enough for a relationship, let alone search for one right now in this vital part of my life. And if that cold day in hell ever comes to cross where a girl (and I seriously KNOW that this will NEVER happen) does actually have mutual feelings for me, I'm sure it would most likley and most probably end in the same manner as all the rest of my attempts at love have ended.

 

Subconsciously, I guess you could say that my newfound soured feelings towards love are an attempt to better-armor myself against anymore heartbreaks or torturous hurt in the future, as I've suffered  time after time after time in the past.

 

At the end of the day now, I feel as if I don't even need romantic love anymore and I'm starting to actually feel as if I never have truly needed it. I've given up on it all. I've accepted that I'm much better off by myself in everything, and especially in matters of the heart. Love is for me and it is as clear as day.

Besides, I mean, really.... who would ever want to be with me anyway?