"Get busy living or get busy dying."- Ellis Boyd "Red" Redding
I don't want to live anymore. I feel as if my heart has been broken to the point where it can not be broken anymore. It's time like these which is why I can't believe in God or his angels. I feel like I'll never be fulfilled in the way of happiness or especially love.
I don't have anyone who I can connect to. I feel very much like i'll never be loved or wanted. I feel as if I've been left out of the special things that everyone has been able to have.
My heart feels so empty and alone. I want to cry so very much and the tears are right on the verge of pouring out but there's something keeping me from allowing myself to cry. Every night feels the same way: Lonely.
From my father leaving me when I was nine to my cousin getting murdered to my mother's stroke to the only girl I've ever loved abbandoning me, I just don't feel as if I'm cut out for this world. There's too much heartbreak that I've been through for me to continue. I honestly want to die and I could give a damn if there's a heaven or a hell although I doubt either exist.
Maybe the Jews are right to believe that earth, itself, is actually hell. If so, then I feel as if I've had my share of it if that's the truth. My goddamn heart feels so lonely, it's hard to even explain just how sorrowful I feel.
If everyone or anyone for that matter only knew just how sad and alone I feel on the daily basis, maybe they'd actually understand where I'm coming from when I speak or when I try to express myself. I just want this life of mine to end because I don't want to live it anymore.
Call me a coward but I just can't go on feeling this way. I feel left out and forgotten and it really hurts. I've got no girlfriend and I often feel as if I don't have any friends. It's at the point where they've all drifted so far away from me because they've all found love. It's like they've forgotten how it feels to be in my position, if they ever were in my position at all. Just from talking to any one of my "friends" makes me feel like some sort of freak. I can't understand why I'm the only one who's been left alone to feel this way.
The way that my very own family treats me and views me, hurts me to the core. They make me feel as if I'm some sort of black sheep and I hate that feeling. I fucking can't stand it. My very own father doesn't even care enough about me to send me to college or atleast help me get there to move on with my life. Most days, it feels like I'm stuck in limbo or in a desert that everyone has forgotten existed, and I mean that metaphore litterally.
Mia, especially, hurt me extremley bad, to the point where I didn't know that type of pain even existed. After searching for so long, for years, to find the feelings that she'd brought to me and to feel the love that I only ever felt for her, she stripped it all away from me just as quickly as she'd brought them into my life.
She was litterally, the only person I'd ever felt that way for and then when I saw her with another guy and she later expressed how she'd never loved me at all, I felt as if I couldn't have ever felt as badly. It's not a feeling I'd wish on even the devil if he really existed.
The thing is, in my heart, I know she was right to never love m because it's not something I can ever have. And I'm doomed to feel this way. It hurts but it's the only way I've ever felt about myself because it's the only option I have. Anything else would be a lie.
I've said it before but I feel as if it's still true: I'm alone so that no one else has to be.
I'm alone and I'll always be alone.
I don't want to live anymore. I feel as if my heart has been broken to the point where it can not be broken anymore. It's time like these which is why I can't believe in God or his angels. I feel like I'll never be fulfilled in the way of happiness or especially love.
I don't have anyone who I can connect to. I feel very much like i'll never be loved or wanted. I feel as if I've been left out of the special things that everyone has been able to have.
My heart feels so empty and alone. I want to cry so very much and the tears are right on the verge of pouring out but there's something keeping me from allowing myself to cry. Every night feels the same way: Lonely.
From my father leaving me when I was nine to my cousin getting murdered to my mother's stroke to the only girl I've ever loved abbandoning me, I just don't feel as if I'm cut out for this world. There's too much heartbreak that I've been through for me to continue. I honestly want to die and I could give a damn if there's a heaven or a hell although I doubt either exist.
Maybe the Jews are right to believe that earth, itself, is actually hell. If so, then I feel as if I've had my share of it if that's the truth. My goddamn heart feels so lonely, it's hard to even explain just how sorrowful I feel.
If everyone or anyone for that matter only knew just how sad and alone I feel on the daily basis, maybe they'd actually understand where I'm coming from when I speak or when I try to express myself. I just want this life of mine to end because I don't want to live it anymore.
Call me a coward but I just can't go on feeling this way. I feel left out and forgotten and it really hurts. I've got no girlfriend and I often feel as if I don't have any friends. It's at the point where they've all drifted so far away from me because they've all found love. It's like they've forgotten how it feels to be in my position, if they ever were in my position at all. Just from talking to any one of my "friends" makes me feel like some sort of freak. I can't understand why I'm the only one who's been left alone to feel this way.
The way that my very own family treats me and views me, hurts me to the core. They make me feel as if I'm some sort of black sheep and I hate that feeling. I fucking can't stand it. My very own father doesn't even care enough about me to send me to college or atleast help me get there to move on with my life. Most days, it feels like I'm stuck in limbo or in a desert that everyone has forgotten existed, and I mean that metaphore litterally.
Mia, especially, hurt me extremley bad, to the point where I didn't know that type of pain even existed. After searching for so long, for years, to find the feelings that she'd brought to me and to feel the love that I only ever felt for her, she stripped it all away from me just as quickly as she'd brought them into my life.
She was litterally, the only person I'd ever felt that way for and then when I saw her with another guy and she later expressed how she'd never loved me at all, I felt as if I couldn't have ever felt as badly. It's not a feeling I'd wish on even the devil if he really existed.
The thing is, in my heart, I know she was right to never love m because it's not something I can ever have. And I'm doomed to feel this way. It hurts but it's the only way I've ever felt about myself because it's the only option I have. Anything else would be a lie.
I've said it before but I feel as if it's still true: I'm alone so that no one else has to be.
I'm alone and I'll always be alone.
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