[Running To Stand Still]

“As children, we are taught that one plus one, equals two. We know this to be false; for one plus one, equals one. We even have a word for when you plus another equals one: That word is love.” – Zen Master

 

Years have passed me by, and the only thing that I can sit here thinking about as I write these very words, are of the memories that I’ve collected from the times I spent with my one true and greatest love, Mia.

 

I often ponder about all that could’ve been between us, and of all the many and plenty of experiences that never came to pass, but in my very heart, I know, just as I’ve always known, that none of my aspirations to be with her were ever meant to become realities; Never to be fulfilled.

 

Of all the people, and of all the many things that I’ve come across in my lifetime, I’d give it all up just to be with her forever. That’s the truth, from my mouth to God’s very ears. I miss her ever so much with every passing day.

 

In all of my thoughts, and in all my dreams, I still find myself thinking of her every day no matter where I’m at, or what I’m doing. It pains me like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, to know that she’s in love with another man, and that I’ll never be with her for the rest of my days. It’s almost as if she’s in my very soul torturing me for the feelings that I’ve always held for her. Feelings that I cannot possibly control.

 

My affections for her have always been at the forefront of my thoughts and out in the open for the world to see. But why is it that she could never love me back?

 

Why is it that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, she’ll never want to be with me?

 

Am I that much of a disappointment that I‘m not even worthy of her love?

 

My heart breaks into oblivion whenever I see the smiles, which she once focused in my direction, shared with her newfound lover. The very pain that I harbor when I see those smiles are of the same caliber of the plenty tears I’d shed on the many lonely and dark nights when the two of us were coming up together in our younger days. I believe that it stands as a testament of my own affections for her, to rather see her be happy with another man than unhappy without him.

 

It’s greedy of me to still want her to continuously play such a vital part of my life after she’s built a brand new one without me, I know, but love in itself and by definition is an act and emotion of greed in any way, shape, or form that a person could view it as, in the first place. I feel, in so many ways, that our paths crossed not by chance, but out of fate. And fate isn’t something that should be given up on, I feel.

 

I often ponder about the decision I’d make if faced with the choice to go back in time and stop the two of us from ever meeting each other. To be honest, even with all of the heartache and sorrow that this situation has caused me, I’d still leave things as they are for the simple fact that I’d rather have a little bit of her than nothing at all.

 

I know for a fact that she’ll never feel for me, the deep and extremely immense emotions that I feel for her but what am I to do? This is a question that I still can’t figure out, but one thing remains…. I’ll always love her with every last inch of my heart until my days are to become a thing of the past.

 

The thing that kills me inside the most; It’s the fact that I’ve never been as close to anybody in my life, as much as I was with her, but yet, everything seemed to be against me when we were closest. That’s just not right.

 

Is it fair of me to say that everyone goes through struggles in love? Sure. But is it also fair to say that I had it worst than most? That’s something that’ll have to be judged by the eye of the beholder, I take it.

 

But what makes all the other guys she’s been with so much better than me?

 

What makes their affections and love more important than mine?

 

Why am I at the bottom of the totem-pole in her heart?

 

The very day we met in the tenth grade, in our science class -- two and a half years ago, why did she even bother striking up that very first conversation that started our entire relationship?

 

Why won’t she ever just love me? It's the only thing I ever wanted in my whole life....