"If I cut off this nose from my face, maybe I wouldn't feel so out of place...." - Aaron Lewis
I may do alot of laughing, and smiling, and joking on the outside - but the inside is a very different story; a smile goes a long way. The things that I write, wherever I can write them at, are always more truthful than the things that I say.
At the end of the day, I honestly don't like myself. In my heart, I feel unwanted and undesirable - and I know that there's nothing I, or anyone else, can do to change those aspects of myself.
I wish that there were someone out there who could actually find me to be more than how I actually see myself, but after so many years or so, I've come to the conclusion that the way I am in this moment, is the way I'll be forever.
I think that it's only when a person is able to cut out all their bullshit optimism, and can actually face life for what it really is, the way I have, that they can finally go about living their life. Everyone, sooner or later, has to face up to some home truths. For me, it was that I'm an extremely unattractive person both physically and otherwise.
I'd like to tell myself that these feelings will go away as I grow older, but at this point in my life, I know I'd only be lying to myself. And while life isn't completely gloom and doom as I've made it out to be sometimes, I do believe that there are certain aspects of my life, and of myself as a whole, that will always feel as such.
I try to be a strong person, as much as I can possibly be, but the rage and despair that I feel in my heart from all of the rejections, burned bridges, and unapproving eyes which have been layed upon the sight of me over the years, have all become uncomprimising to the point where I can't ignore them or hide them away.
It's times like these that I wish I believed in a God, so that I could put the blame on him for my feelings, but seeing as how I don't believe in the prospect of a God, I'm only left to look to myself to blame for my own feelings - the way a smart person should be able to do, living in his own life.
I wish I was more desired than what I am, and I wish I didn't feel the way I do about myself, but I am the way I am.... and I feel the way I feel.
All I've got is this blog, my imagination, and my writing prowess.
I wish things were different for me, but they aren't. Some things don't change.
Sometimes, the song remains the same....
I may do alot of laughing, and smiling, and joking on the outside - but the inside is a very different story; a smile goes a long way. The things that I write, wherever I can write them at, are always more truthful than the things that I say.
At the end of the day, I honestly don't like myself. In my heart, I feel unwanted and undesirable - and I know that there's nothing I, or anyone else, can do to change those aspects of myself.
I wish that there were someone out there who could actually find me to be more than how I actually see myself, but after so many years or so, I've come to the conclusion that the way I am in this moment, is the way I'll be forever.
I think that it's only when a person is able to cut out all their bullshit optimism, and can actually face life for what it really is, the way I have, that they can finally go about living their life. Everyone, sooner or later, has to face up to some home truths. For me, it was that I'm an extremely unattractive person both physically and otherwise.
I'd like to tell myself that these feelings will go away as I grow older, but at this point in my life, I know I'd only be lying to myself. And while life isn't completely gloom and doom as I've made it out to be sometimes, I do believe that there are certain aspects of my life, and of myself as a whole, that will always feel as such.
I try to be a strong person, as much as I can possibly be, but the rage and despair that I feel in my heart from all of the rejections, burned bridges, and unapproving eyes which have been layed upon the sight of me over the years, have all become uncomprimising to the point where I can't ignore them or hide them away.
It's times like these that I wish I believed in a God, so that I could put the blame on him for my feelings, but seeing as how I don't believe in the prospect of a God, I'm only left to look to myself to blame for my own feelings - the way a smart person should be able to do, living in his own life.
I wish I was more desired than what I am, and I wish I didn't feel the way I do about myself, but I am the way I am.... and I feel the way I feel.
All I've got is this blog, my imagination, and my writing prowess.
I wish things were different for me, but they aren't. Some things don't change.
Sometimes, the song remains the same....
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