Friday, March 18, 2011

A Brother Like Mine.

“The mystical bond of brotherhood makes all men brothers.” - Thomas Carlyle


I consider my brother my best friend. We've been through much together; some good, some bad - but ALL of it productive, nonetheless. The past few months - or entire year - now that I look back at it, seems to have been a really testing time for our brotherhood.

We had a sorta falling out last Christmas Eve and went for months without talking to each other - an era of which only lasted up until last Saturday evidentally. It's good to have him back in the loop of my life once again, but as usual: I can't seem to stop worrying about him. I figure this emotion is still an aftershock to his abrupt departure from our grandparents' home where we were both living, I guess.

I knew his moving out was just a matter of time, but it still feels strange - alien, in fact - to me without him around. I mean up until last summer when he moved out, he and I did almost everything together. He was my partner in crime so to speak, but all of a sudden I've been overcome with this sense of emptiness since his departure.

If my life were a TV series, I'd say that he and I were the two protagonistic co-stars of the same series with him not wanting to renew his contract any longer. It hurts, I'll admit, but I can understand him wanting to do his own thing on his own. At any rate, it just feels new to me without him around these days. I feel like I'm in unchartered territory with no sense of direction at this point.

Perhaps I was living in an illusion my entire life up until this point. Who knows, y'know? Anything is possible at this point.

I've had periods in friendships where I've gone for long periods of time at odds with one or more of them, but never with my own brother. And while our feud is over it seems, I still haven't reclaimed that sense of connection that I shared with my brother my entire life. Things seem different now. I fear that the sense of loyalty, partnership, interest, and trust we once shared has been lost unfortunately. It sucks.

If I were an astrologer, I'd probably say something evolutionary were going on with the planets these days. My worry for him stems from the recklessness I've always seen in him; the side of himself that lusts for constant fun, that longs to stand apart from the rest of the herd at all costs, and the part of himself that has been known to get him into fights or have crazy women cut his brake lines. But for all of this worrying on my part, it's like Jagger said back in the 60's: I can't get no satisfaction.

And BELIEVE ME, I "try" with him more than I can even explain in words, but there just never seems to be any payoff on his part. I get that he's young and wants to live his life to the fullest, but I also see him running the risk of paradoxically becoming our father the more I learn of and witness his newfound ways apart from who he used to be: The guy, ironically, who did everything in his power when we were younger NOT to become the man who we both came from.

But as with everything else in my life, it seems, only the prospective illusion of time will solve this riddle of mine....

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