Apart of me.

"Something inside of me has opened up It's eyes, why did you put it there? Did you not realize?"-Trent Reznor

For years, I've hidden a anger inside of me that can't be understood by anybody but myself.

A anger that I haven't shown to the world ever before. A anger I hope to never have to show to anybody. Everytime a unfortunate event occurs, this thing inside of me grows bigger and bigger and bigger but I
ALWAYS find some way to surpress it. And, in recent years I think we've seen what happens when people surpress anger for too long.

I'm a complex person with a even more complex way of seeing things and sometimes I almost do unleash this anger that lives inside of me but in the end I'll find a way to put it back down again.

It can be little, tiny things that set me off sometimes....even the smallest of small things. But It's like I said before, only I can understand it.

The most common times of when I want to unleash this anger is when I feel that I don't have any place to put it.

You see, most people think that I'm a overly generous person, when the truth is, THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING THAT I DO!

You might not see my motive and I may never let you know what that motive is but in the end, I've got my reasons.

I've got my reasons for the way that I do things, I've got my reasons for seeing the World in the light that I do, I've got my reasons for the choices that I make....I mean EVERYTHING.

When people don't necessarily see my point of view or atleast what I allow them to see of it, I don't really get angry because I'm a VERY open minded person and I personally believe that the world NEEDS a entire spectrum of various opinions if it is to ever better itself.

But, if your the type of person to not even consider my thoughts or opinions(Interrupting me while I'm making my point, Not allowing me to speak, judging or assuming my position on a subject, etc.) and think that I'm going to be fine with it....you've got another thing coming.

For those of you who have actually met me in person or have been a good friend of mine for quite some time, then you've atleast heard me say this one time to you: "There is only so much, I'll take from a person."

What that saying of mine really means is, either one or two things.

1. I've either come very close to unleashing the unspeakable anger recently on somebody or something.

OR

2. You've said or done something that's made me almost unleash the anger that I harbor inside on you.

It's not a warning or threat of any kind but it is a acknowledgment that you've come close to witnessing the end of my patience for some reason or another.

The most recent of the close call to the end of my patience was two days ago, when I was at a Signing and a security guard slightly pushed me.

Let's just say that my boiling point had boiled to the temperature of Lava but like I stated earlier, I ALWAYS find some way to surpress it.

It can be any small thing that lights my fuel but the most common of things are usually:

6. When I don't feel I've gotten the credit that I desreve(d).  (This usually happens in school with Teachers and the worthless Guidance Counselors.)

5. When I'm not given the chance to exsplain my opinions or speak.  (This usually happens when a conversation, debate or argument has hit It's peak.)

4. When a person ALWAYS thinks that they are right.  (My previous blog post should exsplain this problem.)

3. When I'm not given a chance at something I think I've deserved.  (This happens often with, well....you get the picture.)

2. When I feel I'm  not apprieciated.  (Usually when a simple meet and greet with one friend turns into a group of ten people and I end up as the third wheel. I end up feeling like shit.)

* 1. When I'm not being taken seriously! *  (I think this problem speaks for itself.)

You know, It takes alot of restraint and patience to put up with alot of the things that I do but in the end, this is something only I can trully, fully understand.

There's always alot to deal with in life but I'm not sure if anybody REALLY understands just how much anger I harbor inside of myself....It's rediculous and scary at the same time.

And I realize that just blowing up at people (Which I NEVER do) is definatley not an exscuse but, I guess we have my restraint to thank for taking down this incredible amount of anger each and every time it overflows.

I'm not planning on ever showing anybody just how much anger I have inside and hopfully, I'll never have to.

But if I've learned anything in my lifetime, thus far, It's that life doesn't work according to plan....