Lividity. (Un-edited.)

"Too much is not enough."-Bono

Numb. Sore. Frustrated. Contemplative. Complicated. Hopeful. LIVID.

liv·id [LIV-id]
-adjective
1. enraged; furiously angry, filled with animosity.
2. feeling or appearing strangulated because of strong emotion.

It's a saturday afternoon and I'm here, stuck in my head thinking about a few things that are bothering me.

I remember watching one of my favorite movies, "London", in which Jason Statham's character, "Bateman", says this one line that I'll never ever forget: "You remember sentences that people say to you and it just fucks with you. They're like wounds that don't heal."

I mean, I can relate to that SO much right now because it's been happening to me ALOT latley.

I've just been remembering things that some people have said to me in the past at one point or another and I never really picked up on it until recently.

It's like they said something and I never realized what they meant (Or atleast what I think they meant.) until now.

It fucking bugs me when this happens because it kinda puts me in a neutral position where, if I do bring it up, I'll be a cry-baby or if I don't bring it up, It'll just fuck with me even more.

Example 1: One of my former teachers was handing out some tests one day, about two years ago, and right before he gave me mine, I remember him looking at it and then saying that he "Wastes his time."

The thing is, I never paid it much attention until now and it's REALLY fucking with my mind. It REALLY bothers me.

Example 2: I remember this one time when I was in the fourth grade and my then-teacher, Ms. Giordano (I still hate that bitch.) through my notebook accross the room because I hadn't done my homework (A sign of things to come.) and made me pick it up in front of the class and then I remember her telling me to "stop being a baby."

I hadn't thought about that ordeal in YEARS but for some reason I remembered the fucked up words that she'd said to me all those years ago, recently, during a argument I had with my mom yesterday.

Example 3: I remember this one time, a few days ago when my Mom told me that "I don't make any sense sometimes."

Especially with my Mom being the one who said it, I never thought too much about that ONE thing she'd said since she's always saying something or another but that one statement got to me because she's said it numerous times in the past (Come to think of it.) and the truth is, all I was doing was voicing my opinion on religion (Don't even get me started.) and by her saying that, it kinda felt like more of a attack.

HA! It goes to show. Out of all people, it had to be my Mom.

Example 4: Last Wednsday, I was walking with Mia and then we came accross one of her friends, Carlo (Just picture a doofy, emo guy with bad acne and a inability to speak at a descent tone.) who "Just happened" to be walking in the same direction as us. Anyway, she goes off and starts talking to this dude while I'm standing there walking along listening tho the utter stupidity that they're talking about and then she tells him: "Some of my friends want to see a picture of you to see how sexy you are."

At this point, I'm standing there like, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

I mean, the way she said it really pissed me the fuck off. I was like a ticking time bomb after that. And then she makes me out to be the bad guy for not wanting to talk or associate with the dude. Things like that really get to me.

And although she apologized to me four times and also said that I had "He was nothing to worry about." I was still fucking pissed inside because of the entire situation which, at that point had passed by.

But the thing is, it was inconsiderate and DEFINATLEY insincere for her to say those things, especially right infront of me.

Sure, I forgave her but even so, it still fucks with me, even almost a week later.

I don't know.

Perhaps, I'm reading too much into things this time but you've gotta admit it....I do make a few valid points here.