Guilty as Charged.

"And All That Could Have Been."-Trent Reznor

Some things are way out of our hands in life. These things are called external conflicts: There's nothing we can do to stop them and there is rarely anything we can do to have forseen them coming our way.

Others are things which, like an infection can eat away at us from our minds and our hearts. These things are called internal conflicts: We're more capable at dealing with the things inside of us although they make us whom we are and rarely ever can we let these things pass by us without evaluating them to death and taking them out.

For me, the one thing that I've always felt the most guilty about has been my own existance. The most common thought when I wake up is: "What if I never existed?"

To tell the truth, I honestly don't see much less of a world without me in it anyway. But the truth is, I can't help but to think I'm at some point responsible for alot of my parents' set-backs.

My mom gave up her career for me when I was born and my dad worked so hard at the Post Office when I was born that I can't help but feel as if my being here put so much pressure on them that they sacrificed their own dreams and aspirations just for me, and that's something I would never have asked for anyone to do. I mean, they were able to take care of my brother just fine, that's for sure but it's something in the way I imagine my conception that I can't shake the idea of my birth not being a planned one.

I'm a quiet, apathetic, contemplative, cynical (as some put it) character and I think a big reason for some of that is because subconsciously, somewhere in my mind, I've always had these thoughts in my head.

I just can't imagine myself in my parents shoes, seventeen years ago.

My mom was twenty five going on twenty six when I was born and my dad was twenty eight going on twenty nine when I was born. They were so young, I can only imagine just how scared they were when they realized they had a second child on the way. Were they even ready for me?

I don't feel as if I have ever been worth all of their sacrifices. They could have gone on and done many, great things with their lives but instead I was born and I think that fucked their plans up. Big time.

I believe that what will be, will be and I guess my existance is only a fact of "fate" but what if I wasn't meant to be here writing this blog or living at all? Some might find that scary (Not that anyone cares at all, I'm sure) but I just can't rule out the possibility that I'm possibly and more so probably a mistake.

I can't say that I've done anything great for anyone in my first seventeen years on this planet and I don't know if I'll do anything good for anyone if I'm lucky enough to get another seventeen years.

I can't say that I've helped anyone with anything in my life so far either, but my only wish is to be there for as many people as I possibly can in the future.

I'm just an exceptional person in an exceptional world, the way I see it.

But the big question is, am I supposed to be anything at all in this world? That's not a question anyone can answer but my parents and one day, I hope to know the truth.

Is this a internal conflict of mine, just a figment of my imagination? Or is this an external conflict for me which is as real as the universe in which we live in?