Outside, Looking In.

"John Dillinger was killed behind that theater in a hale of FBI gunfire. And do you know who tipped them off? His fucking girlfriend. All he wanted to do was go to the movies." - Rob Gordon


I'm not intentionally a pessimistic person, but it's just in my nature to contrast the negative to the positive. Through my eyes, if it weren't for people like myself and the way we think, the world would be in chaos because everyone else would keep us all living in a fantasy land.

I guess I'm not as pessimistic, as much as I am realistic, but lately, things have seemed a bit opaque. Don't get me wrong, I'm highly fascinated with the idea of starting a new decade all over again, but at the same time: I can't control how I feel.

To be honest, there's only one word to describe the way I've been as of late: Apathetic.

Words like indifferent, stoic, and cold, are all a close second.

I just find myself in a place, right now, where I don't care about anything. I'm too exhausted to deal with the way things are, and unforunatley, will always be. It feels like I'm fighting an up-hill battle against the Incredible Hulk.

I've just been put off of alot of things, to the point where everyone seems like they're full of shit. And for good reason, because most people are full of shit. Even those who I go back with a very long time, it seems as though I can see straight through them for who they really are. And who they really are, aren't always good people.

I've had alot on my mind lately. Things like how nothing we do really matters in the grand scheme of things, how time seems to be slipping right through my fingers, how every last descision I've ever made in my entire life has lead me to the point where I am at right now, in this moment. Or how, even after all I've journeyed through in these past six years, alone, I still find myself in a lonelier-than-average place.

Sure, I have two or three friends who cameo in my life every couple of months or so, but for the most part, I walk through the days of my life all by myself. Girls come and go in my life, as they have for a long time - usually ending in my cruelest of emotions, Friends don't seem to be much - in the way of relatability, and at the end of the day, I feel as if my entire past has been a series of disappointments, one after another.

In some ways, this blog has become a salvation for me. It's a friend, when I have no one else around.

I hear lots of kind and encouraging words from those close to me - friends and family alike, but none of them seem to hold any substance to them. I feel as if nobody can remotely understand where I'm coming from; it's tiring. Very, very tiring.

There was one time when I did feel like I'd actually found everything I was ever looking for in a person, and that person was Mia. Things ended badly with her, but just like that situation, and ever since, it seems like everyone has become some sort of variation of her - the person who becomes more than what was planned, and ends up estranged.

I'm at the point where I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm at a stand-still.

I don't know who to trust; who to love, who to hate. I feel like a fighter pilot who's gone into vertigo.

And I don't mean to wein, but I've got to get my feelings off my chest or I'll go crazy!

I just wish that somebody would listen to the words I say sometimes. I wish somebody cared, but I'm not the type to wait for fairy tales to come true.

I'll just have to keep on....