"I'm writing on a little piece of paper, I'm hoping someday, you might find. I'll hide it behind something, they won't look behind."-Trent Reznor
I feel pretty gloomy. As if, I've never been able to keep the good things in my life, I know that my end will soon be near.
I can feel my mission on this planet ending. My time here, shortening.
For all that I've done, I'm nothing more than just a horrible mistake in a horrible world.
All good things fade away once they touch me. It's my nature. My becoming, I guess.
There are things about this world that I just hate to go through on the daily basis.
But then there are things that I know I'll never be able to achieve for as long as I live.
My delusions of granduer: Becoming a successful and popular Comic book writer, Having my stories and original characters published, Meeting a gorgeous girl and my personal favorite, "Being loved".
My family and friends are great but none of them actually know me. Not even Joseph-my best friend.
People know different sides of me but they'll never be able to actually know the things I trully want to do or the things that I want to say or the way I feel about my life and the world as a whole.
Sure my parents split when I was nine and sure I've had my share of disappointments but I've managed to look beyond my own pain for the sake of others for quite some time now and I just can't take much more of it. Especially since I know; in my heart, I know I've got a counter on my life.
I've loved....
I've hurt....
I've had my good times....
and
I've had my bad times....
That's the way my life has been so far but none the less, I'm getting ready. Preparing for the day when I have no more afterwards.
Throughout my journey these past sixteen (nearly seventeen) years, I've come across some extraordinary people and that's definatley a fact. Some I've befriended and others....have just faded away into my past.
Marlene Otero
My very first love. She's been the only girl in my entire life to ever initiate such strong feelings from the deepest dephs of my heart. I'd die for her. She's like the brightest star in the blackest night to me. She always has been. I knew her throughout my time at M.S.127 before we graduated. I did find it in myself to ask her out once but I failed in the end and she turned me down. No harm and no foul though. I respect her beyond ANY other woman besides my mother for her strength, perservarance and independence. She's a true rock. She's my first true flame and although, I know in my heart and soul that I'll never be with her....I still love her. She's a great girl as she's also a even greater person. There aren't any bad words that I have for her. Marlene Otero: My painful dream.
Joseph Ferrante
My greatest and best friend of all. Joe is like the handle to my sword, in most cases. The backbone to my big picture. Or in other words, the yin to my yang. There's absolutley no other friend or person for that matter who I've ever met in my entire life who I just know is going to do something huge one of these days. A true friend until the end and a even greater general in our everyday battle against the chaos and obsticles of life. I met Joe in M.S.127 around five or six years ago during a recess from our classes. Maybe the only person I've known to even give me a chance without pre-judging me in those days, Joe has always been the kindest and coolest guy you'd ever want to meet. Like me, he's a loner and a dark horse but for Joe, he's the guy with the street cred and all the connections. Joe is just great. If there would be anyone in my circle of friends to ever compete with me in writing or anything creative, it'd be him.
Krishnan Kurup
My oldest of friends, Kris Kurup! Kris is the guy who means well but can't resist the temptations of pleasure. I knew Kris even before I knew Joe so technically, Kris is considered my oldest friend but in terms of loyalty, there's no other person on the planet I'd call on when I'm a friend in need. Kris and I go back all the way to the summer of 2002. We met in M.S.127 while we were in summer school in order to get promoted to the sixth grade. Immediatley, Kris and I had a spark that ignited into a great friendship. We've had plenty of journeys together throughout the years and like most friendships, we've also had our falling outs and disagreements too. Latley, Kris has been a bit, well, very gullible and naive to the people around him who he's called "friends," ever since we graduated from M.S.127 a few years back and were seperated into seprate high schools. But all in all, Kris and I have remained good and close friends since we were just kids and there's not a soul on the planet that I can give more credit to for staying calm under pressure than I give to my oldest buddy Kris Kurup.
Jason Fattorusso
Older and more esperienced than all of my friends. I met Jay at Wizard World-Philadelphia in 2006 on a line as we waited for Jim Lee to begin his signing. My first impression of him turned out to be the overall lasting impression of who he is as a person. Direct, Egotistical, Arrogant and sometimes a bit sharp-tounged. None the less, Jay is also one of the most loyal, caring and concerned people I've ever met. He and I disagree on quite a bit but we're never at each other's throats. Jason has proven his loyalty and friendship to me on more occassions than what I can even count. Being that he's already in his early thirties, my parents as well as myself have thought that the age difference between us has been quite akward on many of occassions but now that that business has been taken care of, our friendship has grown into a great big one given that I'm nearly old enough to go at it alone for myself. Jason is a great friend and a fantastic person. A hard worker, a good family man and a irreplaceable friend.
Rafael Camocho
Rafael and I go back a very, very, very long way. We were the only two guys in the all of middle school that were picked on but we were picked on together and for different reasons at that. For me, it was because of my height and my stature. For him, it was for his physical features. I TOLERATED the other kids seeing as how I could destroy them in seconds if we were in a fight but for Rafael, it was always a different story. He's a smaller guy and not too skilled in combat. But as the years went on and after we'd made it to high school, Rafael and I became VERY close friends. While the others still occassionally fucked with him, I was there to take up for him being that we'd became friends and all. Out of all of my friends and out of all those whom I've crossed paths with, I have to praise Rafael for his tolerance, patience and innocence. Even in the most chaotic or pressuring of situations, Rafael has always done his very best to ensure that he's done the "right" thing, as he's put it so many times. A great friend and a promising young man. We've been through hell and back, together and I have a distinct feeling in my gut that we'll be going through a shit-load more in the coming future as friends.
Ahsata Woods
Always a pleasure to be around and always a comfort for my long days. Ahsata has been a uplift in my life every single time that I've spent time with her since I first met her in the eighth grade back in 2004. She's like a wild card with a fragile interior. I love her soooo much! "My little sister," I call her. Ahsata is another one of my greatest friends. She NEVER lets me down and ALWAYS pulls me up. If there were anyone I'd save in a instant, it'd be her because she's always been there for me. She proved herself and her loyalty to me last summer when my cousin, Carmelo, was murdered. Out of all of my friends, it was Ahsata that related to me in those moments, the most and I absolutley owe her a whole lot for that. Ahsata-Ahsata-Fee-Fi-Ahsata! If there's anybody that brings out the best in me, it's Ahsata and on top of that, if there's anyone who takes me back to the greatest days of my life, it's her.
Delilah Lopez
There's not much I can really say to sum up the words that I hold for Delilah other than: She's the sweetest of sweethearts.
Honestly, Delilah is just one of the most caring, sweet, friendley, interesting and overall creative people I've ever (And I mean EVER) met. She's been my buddy since my freshman year in high school and we've gladly kept contact with each other ever since. A true sweetie and a beyond-glorious girl, Delilah is simply the most internally beautiful person I've ever came into contact with. She's just amazing, let's put it like that.
My life up until this point has been pretty complex. Like I said before, I've had my ups and I've had my downs but all in all, my life has been one great, big gray area. A disaster zone one day, a chariot in heaven, the next.
Ha! I've always wondered what my life would look like in biographical form. Let's see how my birth would look....
It's a hot day outside. Sunny and bright. And at Einstein hospital, there's a child being born. This is DaiQuan Manson Cain. It's August 9th, 1991 and the clock is at 2:03 PM. A entire family stands in the waiting room for news of the baby's progress. Hours later, as the baby's mother, Desiree Gantt holds the newborn in her arms, with the family and doctors surrounding the hospital bed in which they lay, DaiQuan's new big brother, Lavonn is crying out to "hold his little brother" as he's been crying for quite some time now. Through DaiQuan and Lavonn's father, David's point of view, DaiQuan reaches out to him as if he were able to see already.
Now, let's try my Parents' seperation days....
Sitting in their living room, watching the shortly lived cartoon, 'Gary and Mike' are nine year old, DaiQuan and his twelve year old brother, Lavonn as they eat their dinner. With their parents, Desiree and David in their bedroom with the door closed, the two children pay no attention to the whereabouts or activities of their parents until suddenly, a huge smash fills the air as if a bomb had fallen onto their home. Out of nowhere, down the narrow hallway of the first floor apartment, their mother Desiree bursts through her bedroom door as the two parents voices elevated into screaming at one another.
Immediatley running into their parents' bedroom to see what was going on, the sight of a fist-sized hole in the wall near DaiQuan and his big brother, Lavonn frightened them into a utterly terrifying shock. "What happened?!" asked Lavonn, frighteningly. "Your father's crazy ass punched a fucking hole into the goddamn wall, Lavonn." said Desiree, angry and unwaivering.
All little DaiQuan was able to do was just stand and watch as his parents continued their screaming and splintering remarks towards each other. "You fucking bitch, why did you take ALL of my fuckn' money! I mean fuck, you couldn't even just take some of it like you always do?!" screamed David, furiously.
"Well your kids needed to eat, you drunk mothafuka! What, are they supposed to fucking starve because of your stupid ass?!" repeated Desiree, pissed off beyond belief. "Bitch, whatever....!" said David.
Meanwhile in the doorway, DaiQuan and Lavonn stood there, helpless and crying endlessley. Suddenly, Lavonn ran in between his arguing parents as his '6,5" father got into his '5,10" tall mother's face with his hand raised in the air, ready to strike her.
Now, let's try the first time I ever saw Marlene....
Sitting in his seat, with his back turned directley against the classroom's entrance door, DaiQuan works on his science project along with his assigned group. Suddenly, a knock at the door. Everyone looks in the door's direction with their line of sight facing DaiQuan, himself. Immediatley after, Dean Bailey enters the closed door halfway and asks for the 6th grade class' teacher, Mrs.Durrant to step into the hallway for a few minutes. Minutes later, as the door opens behind DaiQuan, his eyes immediatley attach themselves to the most beautiful thing he'd ever saw and would ever see for the rest of his life. Marlene Otero had immediatley taken DaiQuan's breath away.
With their class' teacher not far behind, the beyond-gorgeous young woman stood in front of the class, eagerly waiting for their teacher's return while the adolescent boys drooled over her.
But for DaiQuan, there was something special in his eyes. There was something called astonishment as his heart POUNDED and his mind FLUTTERED with thoughts.
Now, let's try the day that I was betrayed by Mia....
It's a bitterly cold winter day in early January. For DaiQuan, he's having quite a bit of fun with his best friend Joseph but little does he know what's in store for him as he and his friend make their way to their stomping grounds near their despised high school. Having a feeling that he'd run into his girlfriend of two months and frined of the past year, Mia, the two friends eagerly made a b-line for the Burger King near there school (which they had no intentions of attending that particular day).
As the two friends made their way over the near-by overpass, above the cross bronx exspressway, in order to get to their destination at Zerega Avenue, to their surprise they did indeed catch up with the "esperienced" fifteen year old, red-dyed-haired Mia Diaz. DaiQuan almost uttered out her name in order to call her when his face suddenly caught up with his phsychology, as he noticed she was holding some other guy's hand. Surprised beyond belief, DaiQuan looked on as the one good thing in his life was being taken away from him in that split second.
Moments later, as Mia and her unnamed new lover caught up with a group of sorry-looking, misfit-typed teens, Joseph and DaiQuan watched as his girlfriend passionatley kissed the new manga-looking, emo kid who's pants were tighter than a python's grip on it's prey, against the gates that surrounded the bikeway on the side of the espressway. Suddenly, as she and the highlight-haired young man with a eyebrow peircing went to catch up with their dysfunctional group of friends a block away, she immediatley saw DaiQuan and his good friend, Joseph standing only yards away from her with their arms crossed and facial espressions that could frighten the blindest of blind.
Shocked, Mia immediatley grabbed her lover's hand and franticly ran to catch up with her friends.
It's funny, I've been writting this blog for five hours and now that I'm done with it, I feel all better. Perhaps it's because I've gotten all those things out of my mind. I don't know, maybe I do have something better to look forward to.
No matter what, I'll never give up on my dreams either. The Silent Descendents will make it big in the comic book industry if my life depends on it. I'm gonna live my life to the fullest and if that means making some mistakes along the way then so be it. I DO have a counter on my life though, but I'm sure it's nowhere near it's endtime. So until next time....
I've got work to do.
