"I've got alot on my angst. I preserve it because I need it. It keeps me sharp, on the edge....where I gotta be."-Vincent Hanna (Heat)
And I find myself sitting here on a beautiful-but-frustrating saturday afternoon once again, in the deepest parts of my mind.
Searching, the hollowest parts of my heart and the greyest areas within my soul.
Thinking about all that I've lost and all that I'm trying to hold on to.
I'm sitting here locked inside my head, dealing with the sorrows of this past week.
I can accept the fact that there simply are things that I can't have, I understand that some things just be can't be had by certain people but even with me knowing and accepting these things, it still fucks with me in more ways than one.
You have to understand something, every single time I come close to getting something that I want or have worked so hard for, it ALWAYS gets torn away from me.
Things have always been like this for me. I have never been able to understand it.
It's hard to believe how, I can get so close to accomplishing a goal of mine and when I get close enough to have it, for some reason or another, I can't seem to hold on to it or grab it.
Sometimes, I feel as if I'm a jinx. Other times, I feel as if I'm simply just bad luck to be around. Nothing good ever comes from me, nothing great has ever been done by my hands
No matter what, anything good that comes into my life never lasts too long.
I swear, if I were to have a dollar for every time I've lost something good from my life, I'd probably be a millionaire by now. Hell, maybe even a billionaire.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've brought these things upon myself. And then there are times that I wonder if these things are beyond my control.
Either way, I'll never understand it....It's beyond me. I just don't get it.
It reminds me of the U2 song, "Faraway, So close"....it's hard to exsplain how much I can relate to that title right now.
Things just seem to come and go for me, It's always been this way and it doesn't look like it's gonna change anytime soon.
No matter how great things get for me, no matter how good I feel sometimes, no matter how much I accomplish....it always comes back to this or something like it.
The events of my life have molded me into this angry thing, this depressing force that can't be understood.
Few things make me happy now, few people don't piss me off anymore, few situations make me content....this is what it's become. This is what it's come down to....anger, animosity and guilt.
It's not good for me to get too close to people because in the end, I'm always the one to hurt or be hurt....this is the conclusion that I've come to.
I have few friends. I know few people who I can trust. I have few things to look forward to and I have VERY few people who give a damn about me.
These are the things that I've accepted, no matter how many people may disagree with me.
This is who I am. This is what I've become. Beware.
And I find myself sitting here on a beautiful-but-frustrating saturday afternoon once again, in the deepest parts of my mind.
Searching, the hollowest parts of my heart and the greyest areas within my soul.
Thinking about all that I've lost and all that I'm trying to hold on to.
I'm sitting here locked inside my head, dealing with the sorrows of this past week.
I can accept the fact that there simply are things that I can't have, I understand that some things just be can't be had by certain people but even with me knowing and accepting these things, it still fucks with me in more ways than one.
You have to understand something, every single time I come close to getting something that I want or have worked so hard for, it ALWAYS gets torn away from me.
Things have always been like this for me. I have never been able to understand it.
It's hard to believe how, I can get so close to accomplishing a goal of mine and when I get close enough to have it, for some reason or another, I can't seem to hold on to it or grab it.
Sometimes, I feel as if I'm a jinx. Other times, I feel as if I'm simply just bad luck to be around. Nothing good ever comes from me, nothing great has ever been done by my hands
No matter what, anything good that comes into my life never lasts too long.
I swear, if I were to have a dollar for every time I've lost something good from my life, I'd probably be a millionaire by now. Hell, maybe even a billionaire.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've brought these things upon myself. And then there are times that I wonder if these things are beyond my control.
Either way, I'll never understand it....It's beyond me. I just don't get it.
It reminds me of the U2 song, "Faraway, So close"....it's hard to exsplain how much I can relate to that title right now.
Things just seem to come and go for me, It's always been this way and it doesn't look like it's gonna change anytime soon.
No matter how great things get for me, no matter how good I feel sometimes, no matter how much I accomplish....it always comes back to this or something like it.
The events of my life have molded me into this angry thing, this depressing force that can't be understood.
Few things make me happy now, few people don't piss me off anymore, few situations make me content....this is what it's become. This is what it's come down to....anger, animosity and guilt.
It's not good for me to get too close to people because in the end, I'm always the one to hurt or be hurt....this is the conclusion that I've come to.
I have few friends. I know few people who I can trust. I have few things to look forward to and I have VERY few people who give a damn about me.
These are the things that I've accepted, no matter how many people may disagree with me.
This is who I am. This is what I've become. Beware.
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